My word for 2015 was JOY. There were moments of 2015 where I had to look really hard to find it and moments like August 21st when my cup runneth over.Joy is a choice, well experiencing it is a choice. I learned that joy most often does not come from feelings or circumstances or my willpower but from the Lord. I learned that for me, I have to fight for it. As a pessimist realist and perfectionist my mind often goes to what is wrong with experiences, situations, circumstances and drags my heart with it. Rude.2015 was also a training ground for me as I identified my joy stealers. I had to be stretched, convicted, and mindful to become more aware of things, actions, and situations that stole my joy.I've wanted to share more about these stealers and since I'm currently walking (won't be doing that until July!) sitting in a season festering with these stealers it feels like an appropriate time.Memember (as my darlin one says) 3 weeks ago when I wrote about wanting to find the good in this broken situation? Well so far, let's be honest, that's felt impossible.Discouragement set in quickly as I had to wait a week for surgery, postponing my healing, and surgery recovery was more horrible than I could have ever imagined. I'm not trying to sound dramatic (shocker, I know) and I know so many people go through worse situations emotionally and physically, but I want to be honest about what I'm experiencing.It feels like time has stood still, and everyone else is living life I am sitting here watching it happen. I can't take care of myself, or my darlins, and everything seems like an ordeal.I've had some of the darkest moments of my life emotionally, spiritually, and physically over the past 3 weeks. Nothing makes sense and random other hard things have happened like our refrigerator (full of food that people brought us to love on us) dying all of a sudden and having to cancel a trip we'd planned and looked forward to for a really long time.But, as my sweet husband reminded me today, there is beauty alongside the brokenness and we are experiencing that in a deep, real way. People are loving on us, praying for us, helping us with our kids, showering us with kindness and food. The intense vulnerability of having people know and see your mess is overshadowed by gratitude that someone cares enough about you and your family to serve.As I've been thinking about and ruminating on broken bones, broken refrigerators, and broken plans, and as I battle for my joy, we got a sweet email from my father-in law, one of the most precious people I know. It included this gem:
"Don't let the discouragement steal your joy. There are so many small moments of joy when you watch those precious little girls grow & develop & respond to your loving discipline."
So right now, I'm looking for and fighting for those small moments. Those sweet interactions with my girls, the flowers filling our house, the birthday cakes, the laughter, and the opportunity to be stretched and refined.My word for 2016 is GRACE. I never imagined that this year would include such an intense life lesson, not only in applying what I learned last year, but in giving myself grace when I do allow discouragement to steal my joy and giving others grace as they help a very controlling, recovering-perfectionist do life on one leg.I certainly don't have many answers, and most days over the past three weeks discouragement stole all the joy up out of my heart, but I'll leave you with this...Small moments of joy, may we find and fight for them.
