Self-Care When it Feels Impossible
I’ve been sharing recipes on Fridays, but today I felt like sharing something to encourage all the Mamas of littles out there.
Did you know that September is Self-Care Awareness Month?
I used to laugh at the idea of self-care, or making time for it. When I had my first baby girl I was working full time, working on a PhD, and teaching, and doing a handful of other odd jobs to make money. Bless it.
I had tons of Mama guilt (that rude 🐝) because I worked during the day that I would never go out at night and wouldn’t let anyone else watch her. I had been in a divine bliss when I was on maternity leave, and then suffered severe anxiety when I went back to work because I couldn’t keep up with the pace I’d been at, with practically no sleep, still a hormonal mess, and figuring out who this new identity was as a Mama (still working on that).
After Ellie was born I didn’t experience any of those same overwhelming feelings, but I did start going to counseling because I wanted help with sleep and it was a support program at Tulane for mother of young children. The first time I sat in a session I told her Ellies birth story and as her eyes widened she realized we had more to work through than sleep.
My year with this counselor changed my life.
I gained coping skills and tools to use in moments that otherwise felt like they would crush me. She began to unwind unhealthy thought patterns I’d developed about myself based on the intensity of my work environment, and she cheered me on to the end of my PhD, on days when I felt like I was incapable of finishing.
Essential oils also helped a lot with emotional support. Having things I could reach for and grounding tools made all the difference for me and I had moments where I thought “I didn’t realize I could feel like this!”
But all those things aren’t what I’m here to sit with you in today.
After Georgia was born I experienced severe postpartum anxiety and it was like a slap in the face. I know her birth had a lot to do with it, and I’ll share that story next It’s taken me a long time to process it all, but I’m ready to share in the event that it meets someone else who ends up with a birth story (or stories) way different than they wanted.
This time last year I had not gone outside for weeks. It was similarly hot like it is now (INCONSIDERATE) and I had a newborn who hated the car, two other children to pick up every day, and hormones and emotions and and and.
I knew I was off, but I didn’t realize how off I was. I went to my six week check in and the midwife was concerned. She said based on the questionnaire we use for postpartum depression and anxiety you are in the “concern” range, so we talked about some strategies.
Then a week later I was doing bedtime solo because Joe had class. Georgia was screaming and I couldn’t soothe her or get her to sleep. Ellie was refusing to go to bed, and was throwing toys at me while I was trying to bounce and nurse GA on this exercise ball chair. I’m sure Mary Frances was narrating the whole thing.
What happened next had actually started to happen more and more and I thought it would just go away, but it didn’t, it kept getting worse.
I put Georgia down in the MamaRoo, still screaming, and went to try to get Ellie to go to bed and I started shaking. My hands, my whole body, Shaking in anger that I felt so out of control. And I wanted to hurt them. I can’t even type that without crying but I did. I wanted to make the crying and the out of control feeling stop, and I couldn’t.
The next day I called the Midwife, went back in, and she tenderly took so much time with me. I still have the envelope she wrote on.
The things she wanted me to prioritize = SELF-CARE.
Being outside
Exercise
Sleep
Counseling
Time Alone
Self-Care is not always massages (love those) or a new outfit (all about it) or anything fancy.
Self-Care is recognizing that taking care of yourself is IMPERATIVE so you can take care of those you love.
It’s realizing that it’s ok to ask for help.
You’ll see on that list that I started taking anxiety medicine that week too, and for me that was the bravest, hardest, self-care decision I’d ever made.
I felt zero judgement or shame towards other people who took medicine, but for some reason I placed unrealistic standards on myself. I’d adopted all of these other coping strategies that had worked, but they weren’t enough right then in that intense season, and I needed help.
I know medicine isn’t for everyone, and I hope that one day I can taper off, but in this season of three small people, full time jobs, graduate degrees, and full schedules, it’s for me.
I share all this to say, Mamas, on those dark nights when you want to scream, or those chaotic afternoon moments, or those moments at your computer at work that you are so tired you’re staring into space, you are not alone.
You also need to think of some small tiny thing you can do for yourself. Go on a walk, text a friend, take a shower. Take care of yourself, and remind those Mamas around you that you love to do the same.
