You Can Sit with Me
When I was in high school, one semester I ate lunch from the vending machine, alone in the bathroom.
It’s true. I had such severe social anxiety about not having any friends in my class that I could sit with during the lunch period that I would go to the vending machine and get a pack of Ritz Sandwich Crackers and a Frutopia and I would either go to the library during lunch, or if that wasn’t an option I’d eat in the bathroom. I still get sad typing it out.
I had friends outside of school, but did not have many close friends at my high school. For anyone who knew me then, they would have said I was quiet and shy and probably would of said I was a nerd. I channeled all my insecurities about my looks and my completely non-existent athletic ability into my school work and grades.
As someone now who is blessed now with great friends, I still have a sensitive spot in my heart for people who feel on the outside, for people who don’t have friends to sit with. I also realize that there are two sides to these stories and that there are things that we can do personally to cultivate friends. I was so anxious as a 16 year old and so terrified of rejection that I didn’t even try. You have to show up to find sweetness on the other side.
I’m by no means saying I’m a friendship expert, but I do want to share what’s worked for me, and hope it encourages you.
GO FIRST & SHOW UP
Invite someone to sit with you, invite someone to coffee, invite someone to your messy house to sit there and drink lukewarm coffee while your kids play. Even if you are the one that feels like people aren’t inviting you, invite someone else. It can feel impossible as adults to find the best time to let people in and you never will if you’re waiting. In that same vain, show up. I went to a tailgate my freshman year of college and didn’t know anyone and was so nervous and didn’t want to go. That day I made three of my closest friends who I’m still friends with today.
BE VULNERABLE, & DON’T RUN FROM VULNERABILITY
Anyone who is good friends with me knows I don’t do shallow well, and I apologize for that often. I’m convinced that all of the hard things we go through are more for our connection and empathy towards other people. And the secret, they won’t know those things unless you tell them! I have also been on the receiving end of dear, dear, friends who didn’t run from my vulnerability and junk and pain and sat with me sobbing, literally, in a booth at a doughnut shop and didn’t get embarrassed or run away. Rebekah Lyons has a quote I love “When you’re vulnerable and alone you’re afraid, when you’re vulnerable and together, you’re brave.”
YOU WILL FIND YOUR PEOPLE
At times it’s going to be awkward, it’s going to feel forced, and if it does, that’s ok. All people are not your people. It takes time and effort, but I promise it’s worth it. I have had some friend groups in adulthood that felt like those high school days where I couldn’t quite figure out why I didn’t fit in. I have had times in adulthood where I didn’t have a lot of good friends and wondered why everyone else did. But I kept trying, and that’s where the good stuff is. You will know when you’ve found the people you can be your most real self with, and that is a gift.
I eat lunch alone most days now, well I have one one-year old friend who eats with me, but I still wish I could go back and give 16 year old Lauren a hug, and bring my gluten free crackers and my La Croix with me and sit with her in the bathroom and tell her that it wasn’t always going to be like this. That beautiful, deep, accepting, lifelong friendships were waiting. Also maybe that the fear of trying wasn’t so bad either.
What about you, what do adult friendships look like for you? I’d love to hear your story!
