raising girls
I did not become a member of the motherhood club willingly. I have never been excited to be pregnant, not initially at least.*
I didn't dream of becoming a mama as so many little girls do. When I was little my children were my American Girl dolls, who were adolescents, who I obviously adopted while focusing on my career as a lawyer. Not even kidding. I've always loved children and loved being around them and spent many hours and years of my life babysitting and pouring into my friends children. But for me, becoming a mama represented something that was entirely out of my control. Way too much unplanned chaos, uncertainty, and change. No thank you. It also represented not sleeping. No thank you again.
I've shared before that the minute I'm not pregnant anymore, after giving birth I feel so much more like myself. And while that's true, I'd say that since my darlins were born, each time I feel like I'm being reinvented.
Becoming a mama is the best thing that ever happened to me. It's drastically altered my perspective on what's important, given me a joy like I've never known, and has changed and is changing me every day. You constantly get opportunities to be the best and worst version of yourself (sometimes minutes or seconds apart). You mess up a lot (so annoying) and learn that you need daily helpings of grace.
As a mama you get this unique privilege of a reset. I think we can all find those in different seasons, but when raising a small human you are forced into this amazing opportunity to intentionally think through who you want these little people watching you to see you as. I have been thinking a lot about this as a girl mama.
I NEVER thought I'd be a girl mama (despite those 5 American Girl children I had!). I am not girly, I do not gravitate towards pink or sparkles, I can barely remember to brush my hair every day and look up You Tube videos on how to use liquid eyeliner and to this day I can't use a curling iron correctly. No way in my parenthood picture did I see myself raising girls. But, y'all, I am so blessed.
After having my first darlin I felt like an earthquake had happened and I could not get my footing trying to balance it all. I was wrapped up in how much I loved this little girl and how much I loved being a mother, but it was often shrouded with feeling less than because I couldn't (and didn't want to) do it all. Hello not possible. My unexpected home birth of my second darlin did the same thing, and shook me to my core as I wrestled and still wrestle with feelings of inadequacy, imperfection, and lack of control. But that's the thing, all those things are true, and I want my girls to see that in a beautiful, messy, way.
`I am reminded daily that I want them to know that their worth is not in their appearance or their talents or their possessions. At the same time I want them to hear me say often "I feel pretty" and never hear less "I feel frumpy, ugly, fat, blah blah blah." I want to nourish their bodies and souls and protect them by the things we allow in our home, the food we eat, and the things they are exposed to.
I want them to be confident and loving, gentle and bold, intelligent and humble. I want them to see beauty in the imperfect and to value kindness over accomplishment. I want them to see hard work, but never see work as more important than family. I want them to see that relationships are everything and even see how they are impacting my life.
They've changed the way I view myself, the way I want to encourage others, and the way I want to cultivate wellness in our home. They daily remind me that I DO NOT have it all anything together and that I really don't need to try to. They have reminded me of the beauty of a kind word, a compliment, a hug or a smile. They have drastically changed how I view wellness and have given me a vision for how I want to help others seeking the same things.I hope these words don't make it seem like I think it's all unicorns, because it's also the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It's made me question my desires, aspirations, and my sanity. And the guilt. Oh the guilt, that's it's own post. But today that's not the point.
The point is that I have never been more drastically or pleasantly surprised by anything as I have been by motherhood. These little girls saved me from myself, and for that I am forever grateful.*I wholeheartedly feel that I need a disclaimer in this post. I know there are so many women, many of my dearest friends, longing to be mothers, and I never want to discount that with my story. I want to be honest in the event that it would minister to someone feeling the same way, but never to hurt anyone through my words. A dear friend of mine who struggled with infertility told me when I was upset after I found out that I was pregnant "we both wanted to get pregnant at different times than we did, me sooner, and you later." I found such solace in the fact that she was gracious enough to identify with me through her pain, and I in no way am comparing the two, but want to extend that same sensitivity.
