i can see clearly now

we all want to be the best versions of ourselves. we gravitate towards people and situations where we know this reality to be true whether it is with family, kindred spirit friends or the like. i remember that being one of the defining things that made me fall in love with joe was that when i was with him, i liked myself more because i stopped trying so hard.fast forward to pregnancy, which if you know me you know i really don't enjoy. i love being a mother more than most anything, but being pregnant, is well, for the birds. i don't feel like myself, i feel sick most of the time and hello, delayed processor over here--it takes me about 7 months to get excited and on board with the whole thing. if that is how you feel and you are pregnant or feel that way one day, call me i'll will assure you that everything will be ok and you will adore motherhood. if you aren't that person and you are a pregnancy unicorn as my friend caitlin says, and enjoys every second of it, then i'm jealous!i forget how much i don't feel like myself when i'm pregnant until i have a newborn. everyone is different and the newborn stage is really hard for a lot of people. sleepless nights, overwhelming emotions, figuring out how to keep a tiny human alive--HARD things, but for me i love every second. i felt the same way with MF and it hit me when miss e was about 3 weeks old that the reason i love it so much is that i feel like myself again.i feel like i have my body back, even though i don't really, but i'm just so darn elated to not be pregnant that it doesn't matter. i feel on top of the world soaking up all the little moments with my baby, even the interrupted sleep seems ok somehow because i'm taking care of this little person. i love the slow pace of the days and the fact that a whole day can go by and you don't know what you did. i love the family that surrounds us and reminds me of how truly loved we really are. i love the perspective on life it gives me and what a treasure children are. i relish in all the moments, but then as time passes there is a fog that starts to settle in on my new baby euphoria--the impending end of my maternity leave.every friday i think about how many weeks miss e is, then i count up in my head how many week of maternity leave i have left. the first six weeks i didn't really think about it, but six weeks was my turning point where its hard not to get overwhelmed by the fact that with each week that passes, i get less and less time with her. you know what makes me even more sad, that there are mothers who don't even get the time i get (by depleting every iota of sick and vacation i ever saved up), that only get six weeks, or even worse less than that.did you know that the united states is one of two or three developed countries (IN THE WORLD PEOPLE) that does not have paid leave for families? did you know that many countries give mothers a year of paid leave and provide leave for fathers as well? our country does not do a good job of supporting families, and it makes me angry every time i think about the weeks i do or don't have left. (if you want to learn more about this you should check out the raising of america a new documentary series that aims to reframe the way americans looks at early child health and development. (sorry, not sorry at all for that shameless public health plug focused on the work that is near and dear to my heart)every mama deserves to have that precious time, regardless of income or saved up vacation, or ability or the decision to stay at home or not. so as i think of what makes me feel like the best version of myself, i cling to motherhood. and to the moments i do get with my baby girl. and to working in a field that is fighting for families to have a better quality of life.