miss e makes: three months; okay in the gray

if i post about it a week before she is 4 months it still counts right? i say yes.i like absolutes. i like black and white. i like right and wrong. i like things with clear answers. i like things where there are one way to do them. i like categories and i like for things to fit into those categories. i'm quick to judge a day or experience or situation as good or bad as a whole instead of appreciating them for what they were. i struggle with being a pessimist  realist and i think it's because i'm so afraid my expectations won't be met or theres some chance that it won't be "the best" (go away perfectionism) and so i might as well prepare for the worst. i'm sounding lovelier to be around by the minute aren't i?!insert motherhood. the days aren't going to be all good or all bad, heck the minutes aren't going to be all good or all bad. can we talk about the experiences of screaming because i'm cutting up the sweet potatoes wrong and then 5 minutes later sitting on the deck watching the pink sunset together? i digress, and this is about miss e :)as i wrote about my thoughts on maternity leave i left out the part about how when i returned to work with darlin one that i almost had a nervous breakdown. there were a lot of factors that went into that, but returning to my own (some real some not) expectations of myself in addition to not sleeping ever and pouring all my energy into my mini me did not result in a pretty picture. miss e's third month was marked by going back to work with me. yes, every day we lug all of our baby stuff and our work stuff and set up shop. i can't say enough about how gracious my boss and coworkers have been to allow me to have this extra time with her and to adjust back and prepare my heart for having to leave her every day.it's been better this time returning, partly because i knew what to expect and because i knew what i needed to do before and after my leave to make myself less overwhelmed. miss e's sweet and content demeanor is reminding me every day, over and over, that it's okay to be in the gray. there isn't one way to do this mama thing, and we are doing the best we can with what we have. with darlin one i read so many books, mostly on sleep, into which category she never fit. i spent a while being frustrated out of my mind and then one day realized that there were other people struggling with the same thing and doing it the same way i was. that day i went home and threw away posted for sale on amazon all those books making me feel like a less than version of myself. my parenting or life or phd or (insert any) experience doesn't have to look a certain way or even look like how i think it should. even more so with round two i'm learning to lower my expectations of myself and give myself grace (most days). i'm learning to slow down and prioritize my time and tasks for each day because i simply can't get done as much as i used to. but honestly, at the end of the day, i'm less stressed being okay with leaving things undone, or doing them less than my idea of how they should be done. for me being okay in the gray (and even typing on the internet that i'm leaving things undone or less done)  is really hard and it's taking daily reminders of #progressnotperfection and resetting expectations i have of myself. my 100% looks different now than it did with one darlin and WAY different than it did before darlins at all.so in this season of working full time, finishing my phd, and loving on my sweet husband and darlin girls monthly pictures are probably not going to happen on the exact day. and i don't have documentation of all miss e's milestones or cute things she did, or perfectly curated instagram pictures (who are these people?!) but man oh man is this girl loved. and her presence and captivating smile are changing me and my days for the better.so for now, this scroll of my iphone photos is a sweet (really can't think of a better word to describe this girl!) reminder of my second nugg. she shares her smiles graciously, she patiently goes along with my chaotic days, she wants to be with her family in any room we are in, and is most content being held. a lady at church described her as "a love" and i think that fits perfectly.she's growing like a weed and other than hair loss (what is with that for babies and mamas in the 3rd month?!) i'd say her 3rd month was a success. based on the text reminders i get of what a 4 month old baby should do she's already a month ahead laughing, cooing up a storm, and rolling over. i know that i'll look back and a lot of these days will be a blur, but i'll never be able express my gratitude for the opportunity to be this girls mama.